Missing It

The act of missing something or someone is a strange sensation. One minute I am completely content sitting on the couch doing some assignments and looking at internship possibilities and then it hits. I wish my sister were with me. I wish to be back at stuffy, yet glorious retreat center in New Mexico doing a job that felt like second nature. I wish I felt the same that I did two years ago when everything around me was fresh and new. These feelings seem to lay dormant for days, weeks, even months, but always find a way to come back with deep fervor.

I am one who wants to live in the moment all the time but often gets caught up in the sentimental. I want to make memories but I often get stuck in them. I have strived to live the “be where you are” philosophy, but when deep down you know you want to be somewhere else, it is hard.

In all honesty, I don’t know where I want to be. I believe what you miss shows a direction for where you want to go in the future. Similar to that feeling that you miss something that has not happened yet. My problem is the things I miss contradict themselves. How can I go to Glorieta when my sister is in Nashville? How could I work for camp when my heart longs to be with the foster babies I have known? I have no true direction.

Direction is key. I pride myself in saying that my direction comes from the Lord and Him alone, which is true… but. I want a story unlike anyone’s. I do not want a predictable life.  I want to do something wild and freeing while I am young. I want to make a difference. I want to see if I can.

The fact of the matter is those are things the disciples did with Jesus and continued to do after his death and resurrection. They were young and saw a movement that needed to be started. They were reckless with their passions. They went out and boldly declared it. All of their stories were different. Some were in the frontlines of ministry and some were doing the organization of it all. Some went far and wide and some stayed home to hold the fort down. Each testimony uniquely glorified the Lord.

I am selfish. I want things that I do not deserve, for I deserve nothing but the ultimate punishment of death. This is not a way that I am belittling myself, but a way to humble my deathly sinful self to the graciousness of my Savior.  The fact that I have breath in my lungs is a gift. The idea that I will get to do something with my life that in some way will help someone in any aspect is a gift.

For this, I will worship. His praise will ever be on my lips. He can’t be praised enough.

I have been Rescued. Saved. Redeemed. Brought from death to life.

I have been delivered from the domain of darkness and transferred into the kingdom of the Beloved Son in whom I have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (Col 1:13-14)

Because of this, I will follow His direction and His will for my life. I will not be prideful in my own ambitions. I will seek where He calls me and who He calls me with. Not my will, but Yours be done.

Yes, there is no way to stop missing something or at least that I have found. But there is a way to remind yourself of where the Lord has you and how the glory that comes from obedience is far greater than your need to satisfy missing it, whatever it is.

Cherish your memories, but do not let them live in the forefront of your mind. Continue to strive to “be where you are”. Be content in where the Lord has you at this time, for it will change soon enough. Seek the Lord’s glory above all.

Amen.